Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Day 81: Learning Lessons The Hard Way

Those who are actually reading this blog may have noticed I haven't written anything for a few days. And, you may either be grateful for that, or actually miss reading my self-indulgent rants.

Either way, I am writing tonight, so you can hide or you can read on. As I have written here before, this blog has become a kind of journal, only one that I am sharing with the world (technically since it is on the World Wide Web, but realistically, with maybe the 5 people who are actually reading it). And, just as I do in real life, I share almost everything, or, as some people close to me say, I provide TMI (too much information).

Yesterday I had what is fair to say is probably one of the worst days I have had in at least 25 years, maybe longer, and was so upset that uncharacteristically, I did not share. For fear that people think someone is ill, or has died, or something else horrible like that has happened, I want to reassure you that nothing like that happened and everyone I know and love is fine. Maybe I should have said it was the worst professional day I have ever had.

I have also been unsure how much to say, or how to say it. But, I have so publicly written about the book I am working on/coauthoring that I feel I need to say something. So, I will just say that during the process I have made some mistakes, some really big mistakes. Like most mistakes, they were not intentional, nor was I even aware I was making them. But these mistakes mean that things need to be corrected and that will delay the book and even how it is structured. It will not be coming out this year, but hopefully next year.

As someone who seems to think that she can do it all, and expects perfection from herself, making mistakes in my work is hard enough, but when I feel like I am letting other people down, it is even harder. That's why I spent most of the day yesterday curled up in the fetal position, licking my wounds.

After a restless, mostly sleepless night, after thinking about it in the grand scheme of things, and listening to the incredible support I was getting not only from my friends and family, but the wonderful people I am working with, I realized that beating myself up for being human and making mistakes, would be an even bigger mistake. All I can do is accept responsibility for it, not hide from the fact that I did it, and apologize for it and for creating extra time and effort. Now, I just need to move forward.

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