Day 328: Gratitude For Being In My 50th Year

Yeah, I know I keep saying I am gone and done with this blog but, then I start thinking about something (yeah, like that's a big shock) and feel the urge to write. And, while it is still technically my 50th year, this seems to be the place to do it.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and it came and went in a blur. I don't know what happened to this year, it has sped by, which started happening more and more as I have gotten closer to this milestone.

There are so many things that I have to be grateful for in my 50th year. First and foremost on this list is the fact that I made it to age 50. It seems that we take aging, like most other things in life, for granted. I never had any reason to doubt that I would reach this milestone. But, I didn't know what it would feel like--or, what I would feel like--would I be feeling good at this age, or, would I be unhealthy? Would I be even crabbier and more negative than I already was? Would I have any "life" left or, would I have given up and just settled for wherever and whatever I was at?

I am happy to say that I don't feel "50," whatever that is supposed to feel like. I feel good, and am so grateful for the gift of health. As tired and cliched as it is, that old saying: "when you've got your health, you've got everything" really is true. There's no amount of money, work, or even love, that can make up for the lack of physical health. While I know I can always be even healthier (especially mentally :D, oh, and of course I do have more weight to lose), I am thankful that each day, I get up and work towards those goals rather than fighting just to stay well.

As for whether or not I am crankier, I'd have to say that yes I am in some ways. But, in others I am less so. And, after spending a very hard year looking at myself very closely, I have started to rediscover the part of myself that isn't cranky, the part that is full of life, and that wants to express that regardless of who gets uncomfortable if I do so. The funny thing is what made me cranky is the inability to express it, and being exhausted from locking it away for so long until I no longer knew that it was in me anymore. 

As Popeye would say, "I am what I am," and I like what I am, including my dorky side. I am so grateful that I discovered this at age 50, it has been an unexpected gift. I am so thankful that I have no longer given up, and am no longer  trying to be something I am not instead of being who I really am.

It is not only liberating, but it also makes me grateful that even at 50, or maybe especially at age 50, to discover that there's no reason to hold back, to put off doing the things that you want to, or to live the kind of life you want to. 

 

Day 311: Voting In My 50th Year

While I realize that I "closed" this blog on August 14, 3 months post 50, I also realize that it is still my 50th year and that I had more to say. At least, I do today, on Election Day.

I have had the privilege of voting now since....gulp....1980...32 years! Wow, seeing it in writing like that sure does make it sound like a long time. But, the funny thing is I can remember voting in each Presidential election since my first one. This amuses me because I can't remember what I ate for lunch yesterday, but I can remember that.

There are many things that I have become cynical about at age 50. And, if I am completely honest, some that I have been cynical about for pretty much my entire life. Ironically, at the top of this list are politics and religion, two topics that my Grandpa Kritt would often advise me not to discuss with family.

I never have seemed to be able to take his advice and might regret this post. But, he also encouraged me to have an opinion, and to not be shy about having one. He's not the only one that encouraged this, my Dad always has and continues to do so.

Now unless you have just met me; and/or have never seen my Facebook page; or just happened upon this blog by accident; you know that even in spite of my increasing cynicism, I remain a: l-i-b-e-r-a-l, yes, I used the "l" word, and I even spelled it out. NOTE: this is my personal blog, reserved for my personal viewpoints, opinions and feelings, therefore, I am not asking for a debate, or, to have my mind changed, or, even to change yours. Trust me, any rude thing you can call me, I have probably already heard.

I do not want to fight anymore, or defend my position anymore. I just want to be able to express that opinion freely, without fear of retribution and if we don't agree, then agree to disagree. If my political viewpoint angers you, or makes you "unfriend" me, or write vile things on my Facebook wall about me, or my political choices, then chances are you have bigger issues than me being a liberal.

The sad thing is that things have become so nasty (and that goes for either side of the political spectrum) that I have started to feel that it is better to just not say anything. Which goes against everything I am and everything I have ever stood for. It is these feelings that made me feel like I had to write today.

And what I wanted to write about was that in spite of all this negativity and cynicism, that even at age 50 when I go my local polling place, and they hand me my ballot, I still feel like I am doing one of the most important things in the world. And, as a woman, I think about all of the women who came before me that worked so tirelessly, some literally starving themselves to death in protest, so that I would have the right to vote.

To take their sacrifices for granted is wrong. For me not to exercise that right is wrong. I must honor them and show them my appreciation even if there are times when I feel that my vote doesn't matter. It does matter. My vote is my voice, and no matter how weak I think it might sound amid the much louder din of other voices, it matters to me that I use that voice.

Day 227: Three Months Post 50: The Last Lessons

Exactly 3 months ago I turned 50 and not surprisingly, the world hasn't really changed all that much since the "big day." Or, I haven't really changed since the "big day," at least not in any perceptible way. It has only been 3 months after all.

But, as I have been reflecting on my aging process and by reviewing this blog, the lessons that I have learned don't seem to be increasing, and in fact, seem to be decreasing. I seem to be going backwards rather than forwards.

Frankly, I am not sure how riveting it is for people to read that I like to color and dance, or how much I love tea and gardening. So, I think that this makes it a good time for me to end this blog rather than keep struggling to come up with things to write about. And, there are some lessons that I am still struggling with in my "real" life, that I think I ought to focus on so that I can finally resolve them. I am 50 and it is time.

I had planned to do this with the last post of the 50th year, which was going to be December 31st, a sort of New Year's gift to everyone. So, think of this as a kind of early holiday present; a list of lessons that I have learned in my life that I would tell my 15 year old self:

First off, as tired and cliched as this sounds, it really is true: you only live once, you do not get another chance to do many of the things you think you can "do later." You won't, or you can't, or life just gets in the way.

That means try to live your life so that you don't have to wonder "what if" at age 50, or with regrets because you didn't do the things you thought you wanted to do. DO THEM! Travel to the places you want to see, explore more, live where you want to live, love who you want to love, try work that you are interested in, to see how all of it feels and how all of it fits.

Know what it is you want out of life, clearly define it, and then go after it, and do not stop until you get it. Do not let anyone or anything interfere with that goal. If you get it and don't like it, then at least you will know that, and can move on to something else.

Listen to yourself; do not ignore the red flags that tell you that something or someone is not right for you. Do not wait for it to get better. It does not. It only gets worse and the longer you wait, the harder it gets.

Before you get serious about someone, know what you want out of a relationship/partner and what you cannot live without. And, know what you do NOT want and what you can't live WITH and do not settle for anything less, or think that he/she will change, she won't.

Tell that boy that you have a crush on that you like him, and get to know him better to see if he really even is "crush-worthy." Yeah, you might be a complete disaster together, but it might be as wonderful as you fantasize about. And, that other boy (okay young man) that you are in love with, tell him before it is too late. In either case, if you do nothing, say nothing, you will never, ever know. At least you will know and you can move on without wondering "what if."

This means tell the people that you love how you feel. Tell them you love them. Do not assume they know this; they might assume that you don't because you never said it.

Never apologize for who you are, for what you believe in, and for the way you live your life. It is your life.

Live your life according to what you believe, what you feel and what's important to you. If you don't, you will always feel conflicted. 

Bad things happen in life; very few we have any control over. People you love will die, they will hurt you, you will lose jobs, friends, etc. But, you are strong and you can face anything if you rely on your inner strength. Ironically, you become stronger by facing them.

Related to this is let those who love you and those you love help you when they do happen. You know how to give; you also need to learn how to take, so ask for help. It does not make you "weak" it just proves that you are human.

But, wonderful things happen in life that make the bad things easier to bear. Never forget this, even when things are horrible. Just look at the things that you feel make life beautiful, surround yourself with them and with the people who feel the same way about life. And do not let the bad things make you hard.

Do not let anyone else's negativity or insistence that the world is bad make you stop believing this or start acting like it is.

Do not hold on to people that hold you down or hold you back. Good relationships of any kind are about bringing out the best in one another, not the worst.

You will make "mistakes," lots of them. But, don't think of them as mistakes, think of them as lessons, as things you don't want to do again, or as things that hurt you. The only way they are "mistakes" is if you keep repeating them, and keep letting yourself get hurt by repeating them.

Perhaps the biggest lesson of them all is this: do not let fear rule your life, it doesn't protect you, it doesn't make you stronger, or keep bad things from happening to you. It just makes you weaker and it makes your life so narrow, and causes you to miss out on so much of life.

Day 225: Bitter or Better

As I have written here before, I sometimes feel as if I haven't really learned anything in my 50 years. This feeling tends to come when I find myself focusing on the negative and taking on other people's negativity. Not only are bad habits and old behaviors hard to shake, but the reality is that bad things happen in life.

But, what I have learned (finally) is that how you react to those bad things is what really determines how your life goes, and the kind of person that you will be. If all you focus on is the bad, whatever it is, that's all you will see and all you will attract. Another tired cliche that I have found to be true is that "misery loves company."

What some of us tend to forget is that happiness loves company too, maybe even more, and considering that we can't control the bad, choosing to focus on the good sure makes more sense.

I also have learned that for me, there are so many things that I think are good and that make me smile, that if I focus on them, and do them, that not getting all Negative Nelly is easier to do.

Some of these things are so simple and goofy, but, they are the things that make me grateful to be alive and that actually prevent me from being hateful or nasty, and saying something that I will regret.

I have never shared them before, certainly not in written form. But, for some reason, I am going to share some of them now (in no particular order) at the risk of embarrassing myself. Why? Because allowing my "inner child" to come out, is what keeps me from letting "the bitterness steal my sweetness." How can I be bitter when I am being goofy and childlike like this:

• If there is a song that I love that is remotely danceable, I will stop what I am doing and dance to it. NOT in public (unless I am with someone else who is game) but always, always when I am at home.
• Related to this, if I know the lyrics to a song, I will, ALWAYS sing along, and in spite of being in Glee Club for 3 years, I am not sure I can still carry a tune. I just know that music makes me feel "shiny!" Whether it makes those around me feel shiny or not, isn't something I can guarantee.
• I love to color, yes, color in coloring books with crayons, still, even at age 50. It relaxes me.
• I love to blow bubbles still, yes, again at age 50 and I even bought myself a giant bubble wand.
• I love to swing, yes on swing sets. One of the best things about living across from a park is the easy access to swinging.

Day 217: It's My Own Design

The warm summer weather has me thinking about the days when I was a college student way back in the 1980's (wow). I spent most of my days sunning myself, going to parties and visiting my friends. I did work full time during the summers, but in those days, I could work all day, and stay up late at night, and not miss a beat. Ah, to be 21 again.

I graduated from college in (gulp) June of 1985, Those who went to high school and were in the class of '80 with me, may notice I did NOT graduate in 1984. That means I was either a slacker or got delayed somehow. While during those years I was not the most motivated, I was not a total slacker, I did my work. But, I did get delayed due to parental circumstances beyond my control. As usual, I am digressing and I do not  want to go there.

The point is once again how music can trigger so many things in me; so many memories and feelings; and can transport me back to places where sometimes I don't want to be. This happened as I was driving home after teaching a gardening class on Thursday.

"Everybody Wants to Rule The World" by Tears for Fears came on the radio. This song is still one of my all-time favorites and it came out in the summer of 1985. I always thought it was very fitting for somebody just graduating from college. I remember how these lyrics in particular struck me at the time:

Welcome to your life.
There's no turning back.... 

It's my own design
It's my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help me make the most
Of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever

Everybody wants to rule the world...

I can't stand this indecision
Married with a lack of vision

To say I was indecisive is putting it mildly. I was completely lost when I left Santa Cruz, and in spite of not wanting to, I came home, back to LA. I was completely ill prepared to be a grown up and completely unsure about my future. I graduated with a bachelor's in Psychology and realized in my senior year I did not want to be a psychologist, nor, had I done anything about prepping for graduate school. Not only that, I wanted to stay up in northern California and start my life there but, crippling fear of failure, or starvation, or anything else you can think of, and the harsh reality that I had no income, made this choice seem impossible to me at the time.

The lesson in all of this seems to be the same one I keep revisiting during my 50th year. That is that being afraid, limiting yourself by that fear does not make your life your own, rather, you are owned by fear. And, if I could talk to my 22 year old self I would tell her that you can always earn more money, or get more roommates, or figure out some way to survive because later on you will have to do that and you rock it. And, if you let fear limit you, you will spend a large part of your life settling for something because it is "safe" and in spite of having a wonderful life, you will find yourself at age 50, at times still wondering "what if."

Day 211: Fitting In Or Standing Out

As I was walking yesterday morning, I was thinking (big shock I know) that it has been 2 years since my 30th (gulp) high school reunion. My first thought was, "damn, I really am o-l-d," 30 years wow. But, as I was reflecting on the event, both the good and the bad of it, I was once again remembering that while all of us are chronologically 50, some of us are still emotionally 15; still seeing ourselves as part of some clique or pack.

Lest I digress too much, I thought about how some of the "girls" at the reunion were just as mean as they were back in high school. I actually saw them turn their backs on somebody that they thought wasn't "cool enough" to snub her as she headed towards them. Of course, me being me, I had to get in their face and say something. I did not cause a scene, but simply said that I thought it was a pity that at nearly 50 years old, they would still be so petty. Of course, they didn't talk to me for the rest of the night, which made the evening even more pleasant for me.

Those who know me, know that I am all about being who I am and saying what I think about things. However, this was not always the case. There was a time that I would have hidden from them or even worse, might have said something mean to the "nice" girl just to fit in. Yeah, I am not proud of the fact that I was that way and bowed (often) to peer pressure. But, at 50 years old, I don't remember the last time I even considered bowing to peer pressure. And if anything, I need to learn to be a bit kinder when I am speaking the truth, especially if it goes against the crowd (as it often does).

I wasn't the most popular girl in school, far from it. But, I wasn't the least popular either, I was in the middle. Not that it matters, especially now. But, it did then. As my friend Pablo always tells me, I seemed to be hiding. The exception to this was when I was with my friends, especially those louder and bolder than I. Then I would be completely inappropriate and say hurtful and mean things thinking I was being funny. I had no middle setting, I was either on or off. 

I know my experiences growing up are not unusual, especially for pre-teen and teen girls. All you want to do is fit in, be one of the crowd, and be accepted. The worst thing is to stand out and be "different."  Yeah, like I wasn't doomed from the beginning. I was born with two different colored eyes, that IS different. And now I love it, but then, not so much.

There were (and are) so many ways that I have never felt "part of the crowd." I often find myself shaking my head in disbelief at what is popular, what people think is important, and what they can't live without. I also used to think there was actually something wrong with me because I didn't (and don't) like many of the things that other girls and women do.

But, as I have learned in the past 50 years, I am not the only woman (or person) like this, who is "different." As I would tell my 15 year old self: we are ALL different, and that embracing our differences and sharing them is what makes life interesting and worth living.

Day 204: "Don't Compromise Yourself. You Are All You've Got."~Janis Joplin

If there are people who actually read this blog, you might have noticed that I haven't written anything in over a week. There are several reasons for this, one of which is that I have been working non-stop except for household chores and errands, and a couple of meals out. As I have written here before, being busy is a bad habit, it is addictive, and it tends to make one think they have greater import than they actually do.

While that may be true, I am happy that one of the things I have been busy at is putting together the new Learning Garden for the hospital. Unfortunately, it has meant my other work has been piling up, including the still unfinished book, and other projects. And I will no doubt bitch, er write, about being too busy again soon.

But, at age 50, I am happy to finally have work that I feel is meaningful, and that I think can make a difference in people's lives. I am happy because I spent a lot of time both in graduate school and on the job, working towards a career that ultimately made me feel less than important, and like I did not make a difference.

I certainly didn't start out thinking that. I started out thinking I would make a huge difference and I kept ignoring the red flags that told me that I never would. As I have written here before, I seem to excel at ignoring red flags, not just in my professional life, but particularly in my personal life (lest I digress too much, I will not go into that here, that is for another post). Ignoring them, or minimizing them has meant a great deal of unhappiness and confusion. And, I spent a lot of wasted time trying to fit into a career that clearly I did not fit into.

So, the lesson that my 50 year old self would give my 18 year old, or even my 25 year old self, is this: you spend a large percentage of your time at work, and while it is not your whole life, it really is a big part of your life so do something that you are passionate about, and that you are good at because even though you hate something, you are a hard worker, and are overly responsible even when you don't want to be. You give up a lot of yourself to work, so find something that doesn't require you to compromise who you are and what you believe in.