Day 74: Two Months From 50 & Six Weeks From Deadline

Well, the "big day" is now exactly two months away. But, since my book deadline is April 30, I am getting even less excited about the big day and having a hard time writing this blog every day. It is hard to write something new every day about the complete stress I am feeling, or to pretend that I am not feeling it. So, here's my attempt to put a fresh spin on my whining. As always, you are free to step away from the blog at any time.

My inner perfectionist is rearing her ugly head because I am now editing and I am starting to feel like this:

I know that this is counterproductive and I am trying to remember this because when I try for perfect, it doesn't even turn out good, and in fact, it usually never gets done.

I am also getting panicked trying to find images from places or people who won't charge me both reproduction and use rights for each image because there's no way I can afford them.

I know that once I get done, I will feel differently, but right now I am just feeling this constant angst about not having enough images or the right ones. Or, that I didn't do enough research or the "right" research. Or that we are forgetting something or somebody really big.

I know this is just part of the process, I have been through it before and not just when working on a book. I also know that this feeling, the fear and the stress that come with something this big is why some people either never start something or finish it.

I might be a lot of things, a perfectionist, sarcastic, flippant, and yes, stubborn, but I am not a quitter (because I am stubborn). Even when I should quit or give up on something I don't.

So, I will keep using these lovely, illustrated quotes, I will keep walking to clear my head, I will soak in my bubble baths, and more importantly I will keep going even when I don't feel like it because this is an opportunity that I have worked long and hard for and that doesn't come that often.

Day 72: Grateful for The Things That Make Me, Me

It is funny how your perspective on things changes as you get older. I was born with two different eye colors: my left is brown and my right is blue. And, I was also born with adult sized muscles in my left eye which caused it to cross terribly, and which apparently, if it had been left to do so, would have left me blind in that eye.

So, I had 3 surgeries when I was very young (all before I was 2 years old) to correct the problem. I will always, always be grateful to Dr. Leonard Apt at UCLA Med. Center's Jules Styne Eye Institute for saving my sight and letting me be one of his original guinea pigs. I was one of the first and there are photos of my eyes in one of his first books about the procedure. Ah, but again I digress. Here's info on Dr. Apt from web link I just added "He is the first physician to be board-certified in both pediatrics and ophthalmology and helped create pediatric ophthalmology as a new sub-specialty in medicine.  He is a founding member of UCLA’s Jules Stein Eye Institute and is recognized as the founder of academic pediatric ophthalmology."

I remember when I was about 7 or 8 and really started to notice that I had two different colors. I started thinking that they must have messed up my eyes when they operated and they didn't have the "right" color when they fixed my left eye. I was reassured by both my Mom and my Dad that no, I was born that way, that is how they came out.

I used to fret about how weird it made me, especially as I got to jr. high and high school and at one point thought about getting contact lenses to hide them or to make them look like the same color. But, I have never been a woman who has done much to camouflage herself or to make herself look differently than what I really am even when I was young.

Ironically, keeping/wearing glasses my whole life has made some people think I was and/or am hiding (you know who you are). I have had people tell me, "oh, you'd be so much prettier without them," and my personal favorite "I can't believe you aren't taking them off for your wedding, you aren't even going to at least take them off for the pictures?"

People never cease to amaze me, how they think they are being "helpful" but in fact, are being hurtful even though they don't mean to be. Why would I take them off for pictures? Is it because it would be better if I didn't look like me, or look the way I always look? Do they not realize it sounds like that's their point, that maybe I shouldn't look like me because maybe they think I am not pretty enough the way I am. I know that's not what they meant (although maybe there are some people who think that, beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all), but people get so caught up on what society thinks a woman should do for beauty they don't realize how it comes across. Again, more digressing.

Here's what it comes down to for me. My glasses are part of me, they are an appendage, just like my arms and my legs are and I have never not had them. My dad always tells me that the first thing I would do in the morning while still in my crib was to reach for them. So, for me it would be hiding to get rid of them and it would be me trying to be something that I am not.

Not sure what is possessing me to do this but I took a photo of my eyes to illustrate just how different they still are from one another. As I have gotten older, I have come to love my eye color, and love that I am one of very few people who were born this way. Many people have different colors, but, those are often a result of injury or accident (as in David Bowie's case). I also love how, in spite of all the other changes my body, face, etc. is going through as I age, they haven't changed. They remind me that I am still the same inside, which to me is more important than anything on the outside will ever be.

One Brown, One Blue, both topped off with brown & gray and underlined with wrinkles

Day 70: When Everything Old Sounds Better

I am not quite sure when it happened, but I have really noticed it in the last year. Noticed what you ask? That I sound like a middle-aged person, or more precisely, like my parents did when they would start commenting on how nothing they like or remember is "here anymore." I remember thinking "old people, why would you want old stuff, new is so much better?"

I first noticed it when some of my favorite restaurants started going out of business, even jokingly saying that I cursed them, and that everything I like goes out of business. There are so many now, I can't even name them all (okay, or I can't remember their names, but that's for another post).

Then, I started noticing landmarks that are gone, like Marineland and Busch Gardens and suddenly I started remembering them with such fondness and nostalgia. I even started doing it about stores, The Treasury, White Front, and Old Town Mall. Seriously, Old Town Mall?! Or, I began to wax nostalgic about when Del Amo Mall was only one side, the old "Sears" side and it was open air to begin with and how much better that was (and yeah, they made the "new" part open air again, so maybe everything old really is better).

Oh yeah, suddenly everything "old" was better. "They don't make buildings like that anymore." "Things don't last like they used to," etc., etc. When I first started hearing those words come out of my mouth, I kept looking around for the old person who was saying them, and then it hit me: it was me. 

I get it now, I know why the "old people" always liked "old" things better; because they were "new" when they were young and those things remind them of when they were young. Now that those things are gone, it means they are getting old too. You track your life by the things around you, and if they don't last forever, it reminds you that you don't.

Today, I lost another thing that was part of my youth, part of my present and that actually was better. Today, the Ishibashi Farm had their estate sale. Soon, the farm stand will be coming down, Tom built that stand (it wasn't the City's or the Airport's) and he stipulated in his will that he wanted it torn down so that no other family can come in and take over the Ishibashi name. He knew that nobody was going to carry on the family farm and that it would die with him. So, I am going to try to honor his wish and remember it as it was, not how it was today and I will wax nostalgic about the old farm stand because it really was better.

Strawberry Season at Tom T. Ishibashi Farm

I want to remember Karen like this, wrapping up the berries for people

Day 68: Napping It Out

Since I have written at the top of this blog that each day I am going to share something positive or something that I have learned or discovered, I am doing my best not to write about the fact that my head feels like it is going to explode, my nose and ears are stuffed, my eyes are watering, and when I cough I sound like I have consumption. The bottom line is I am actually sick with a cold or who knows what. I usually get a sinus infection around the start of spring, but this is a bit more than that.

I know I sound like a whiner and I suppose I am whining but I know it will pass. I have a cold, not the plague, and it is not serious, just inconvenient. Especially since I was trying to edit the book and I could not keep my eyes open.

That made me discover something today that might be worth sharing. That is that usually I don't give myself permission to stop and do nothing unless I am sick or exhausted. I am once again reminded that this is not a good thing. It is okay to just take some time to recharge and not feel like you need a reason to do that.

Probably one of the reasons I got sick is because I have been staying up until 12 or 1 every morning and not sleeping late enough, and generally not taking care of myself. Ironically, if I had, I would be done editing the chapters I wanted to today.

I also did something I don't do much anymore: I took a nap, one of my favorite things ever. I love it, always have. I remember when I was in college I tried to arrange my schedule so I could have as many naps as possible. Of course, I needed them then since I usually stayed up late and never slept at night. But again, I digress.

I think my whole point with this is to just remember that being overly productive doesn't necessarily make me a better person. That doesn't mean I need to be a lazy slug all the time. However, I will be always be a Banana Slug, since I am a proud UC Santa Cruz grad. and 100% slug! I just need to remember balance, all things in moderation. Something I am not good at.

 

Day 66: Overcoming Wistfulness With Wistaria

As both the first day of spring and my book deadline loom ever closer, I find myself getting a bit melancholy over the lack of time I have to do many of the things I like to do when spring comes. I am so close to being done, the chapter drafts are done and now we are editing and getting our images (the thing that stresses me even more than the writing) so there is light at the end of the tunnel. And, working on a book is temporary, it will be over with soon.

Still, I found myself having a little pity party today when I was thinking about the list of things I want to do but can't now. So, when I went for my walk at Wilson Park today (and to shop at the Torrance Certified Farmers' Market) I unexpectedly got today's lesson as I walked by the Wistaria vine (also spelled Wisteria) and found it blooming.

While I may not be able to trek to the Sierra Madre Wistaria Festival to see the incredible vine there, I was reminded that even though there are some things I can't do now because they are too far or take too long, sometimes you can find just what you are looking for in your own backyard. You just have to take the time to appreciate the beauty around you.

The more aware I become, and really stop to notice the things around me, it astonishes me how much beauty there is in the places that I regularly go. I know I live in an incredibly beautiful place, near the ocean and the Peninsula and I know how beautiful they are. But, I am talking about places that you don't normally think will be that way. I must have passed by that vine at least a dozen times in the past couple of weeks but I never stopped to look at it. It makes me wonder how many other things I miss by not taking the time to really look at them. 

Wisteria/Wistaria Vine at Wilson Park

Day 63: In Praise of Dangerous Women

It is March (again, I know my calendar skills are impressive) which means that it is Women's History Month. This year's theme is "Women's Education--Women's Empowerment."

While I am now a farm writer, that doesn't mean I forget such occasions, it just means that now I write about women farmers, women gardeners, and women scientists. In fact, my Care2 post on Monday is about ways to inspire the next generation of women to pursue these areas.

However, I have been a bit busy and I haven't been able to make plans to attend some of the events for this month that I wanted to. So, I was very excited to see a special program being offered by the Torrance AAUW. The American Association of University Women is an awesome organization that "advances equity for women and girls through advocacy, education, philanthropy, and research and is open to anyone holding an associate or equivalent (RN), baccalaureate or higher degree from a regionally accredited college or university."

I am also a bit ashamed to admit that for no real reason, I haven't been a member in a very long time and I am finally getting around to fixing that. However, as usual, I digress. The program today was called "The Women Who Rocked Torrance: 1912-2012" and was a sneak preview of an upcoming book on 30 women who have made a difference in Torrance.

It was very inspiring to hear about women who I have never known but who have made such an impact, and to hear about some that I have known and do know personally. Their stories are fascinating, and all the more so because of the things that they had to overcome to make a difference, especially stereotypes and resistance to them doing things simply because they were/are women.

An example is Susan Rhilinger's story. She's currently a City Council member but she retired from the Torrance Police Department about ten years ago. She was the first female sergeant, lieutenant, and captain in Torrance PD history, the first ever. She and other women actually had to file a lawsuit to get the City to allow them to be full police officers (this was back in 1974) because women were not allowed to be.

I had heard of Susan before I even met her, or even came to work or live back in Torrance. My friend Mike Tracy (the Police Captain I wrote about on Day 45), loved to give me a hard time about pretty much everything. I am a liberal, he was a conservative and a cop. But, he especially loved going after the fact that I minored in Women's Studies in college. Usually, he said things just to get me going and I never failed to disappoint.

We would go back and forth all of the time about politics, feminism, sexism, and even baseball, he could never understand how I could abandon the Dodgers for the Giants, and he would say "even your favorite team is liberal!" (I still hear that from people today).

When I told him I was getting a job at the City of Torrance, he told me, "you need to meet my friend Susan. She's the only woman lieutenant and like you, she doesn't take any crap and never sees any barriers because she's a woman." I said, "gee, it actually sounds like you think that's a good thing, or, are you just jerking my chain like you always do?" He said, "Nah, it is a good thing, and you will go far, just like she is, kid, I know it." Too bad he's not here to see how far I have gone, and more importantly, how far she has.

Day 62: It's My Life

Today is Day 62, and the year I was born is 1962 (okay, I know no matter what year I was born there would be one day during the year it was the same number). And, Day 62 is also Jon Bon Jovi's 50th birthday. When I was younger, I never was a huge Bon Jovi fan but I did like them and remember some of their earlier songs fondly.

This is a "newer" song (from 2000) and is one of my favorites. I thought it was very fitting for what has been going on in my life during the past year. I am sure part of it is the whole turning 50 thing. It seems that many of us need some kind of marker or significant event to make us look at our lives and ask ourselves "Is this really how I want to live? How can I make my life even better?" Or even ask, "why am I still doing this or why do I think I need to live the way that others think is best for me?"

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life 

As my older and wiser sister (yes, that's you Missy) once told me, as you start getting into your 40s and 50s, you become more comfortable with who you are. I have found this to be true. I know who I am, and I know what I want and have learned what I don't want. As the song says, "It's now or never," and I may be almost 50, but I am still young enough to make it happen.