Day 31: Of Red Flags & Intuition

It is the last day of January and as I am working feverishly on my book, I am also working on other parts of my life to make my 5th decade my happiest and healthiest yet. It is not something that I am taking lightly, nor is it something that I know will be easy since the biggest stumbling block is myself, specifically the fact that for most of my life I have ignored my own intuition and the red flags that told me my intuition is right.

As cliched (and new agey) as it sounds, if I had one piece of advice for young people it is that you do know what your truth is, what is right for you and what you "should" do, so don't ignore that voice inside of yourself that tells you that something is or isn't right for you. Instead, ignore the voice of others telling you theirs.

That's not to say that you have to ignore the advice, experience and wisdom of others, or those in similar positions, just use it as another factor to consider when making decisions. But remember that it is only one factor, not the main factor; and that this guidance and advice is based on their own experiences and their own intuition. That doesn't make it right for you or anyone else, only for them. As my own personal Messiah always tells me, nobody can really walk in anybody else's shoes so they really can't judge how we ought to be living.

As a big fan of motivational quotes and inspirational writing, I have been collecting those that really speak to me and this one is probably one of the truest and says best what I am trying to follow for myself. 

Day 30: 3 Months From Deadline

I seem to be slow at getting things but today I just realized that the end of January will be here tomorrow. It's not like I don't look at a calendar every day. I am a writer, we work on deadline. It's just that I hadn't really "felt" it was the end of the month until I realized it was the 30th and that means our book is due exactly 3 months from today on April 30. Gulp....

It is not that we are behind really. We each have one more chapter to write and then I have the Introduction to write, but our self-imposed goal was for all of our drafts to be done by tomorrow. I think that it is realistic for me to be done by the middle of February and I know my writing partner will be done by then as well.

Then, we need to edit it and get our photos, images, and ephemera etc., my least favorite part of the process. I like finding them, just not having to take photos, buy photos, save them in just the right format etc. I am a writer, not a graphics person and it really stresses me out. But I know it is important to make the book more interesting and that I want certain things to compliment what I have written.

If I had my way I would be alone somewhere just working on the book, but that is not the reality that I live with. 

So, for those people that I ignore, get short with, or that wonder why I am even more insensitive than usual, this sign is a reminder why:

And this one is for me, to remind myself to just focus on this project and to remember the passion that I feel for it no matter who or what tries to derail me (which always happens):

Day 29: Accidentally Taking The Day Off

I didn't plan on taking the day off today. I actually had planned to write at least one of the sidebars for the current book chapter I am working on, which happens to be the last chapter of our book.

I am writing about one of my farmer friends, John Forneris, who still farms in the San Fernando Valley on land leased next to Mission San Fernando's Cemetery (nice ha), and who has a produce stand, and each fall, a corn maze, pumpkin patch and train rides around the farm.

But, last night my husband suggested that we walk to breakfast either on the pier or in Riviera Village. So, we opted to eat at Polly's On The Pier, a typical hole-in-the-wall place at the beach that I used to eat at almost every weekend, and that I hadn't eaten at since last spring. It was yummy and it was great to get a nice long walk in on such a beautiful day.

I also found that I was tired, it is only about 2.4 miles one way from our house to Polly's, but even after eating, I was tired as soon as we started to head home. So, I told him I needed to stop and rest, so we walked to Veteran's Park and sat for a little while and looked at the view.

As I stared out at the ocean and at the old Library, I remembered when I first moved back to the area to live with my Dad and how alone and scared I felt then. I was 19 years old and I hadn't lived with him since I was 5. But, I would go to the library to study and to find some peace as I was getting to know this man that I didn't really know. Ironically, it turns out that I was so much like him it scared me and I wasn't quite sure what to do with that.

After we made it home from our walk, I spent some more time out on the patio in the back and by then, it was time for lunch. After lunch, it was time for a nap, and by the end of my nap, I realized that I wouldn't be writing today but told myself that I needed the rest so that I could make a fresh start tomorrow, something I always need to do on a Monday. I am actually looking forward to it, I have the rest of the chapter all mapped out in my head, and all I have to do is write it out.

Veteran's Park, Redondo Beach, old Library now Community Center

Day 28: Seeing The Moon & The Stars

Tonight there was a local treat; a "Star Party and Jupiter Viewing" at the Madrona Marsh Nature Center. Madrona Marsh is the last native vernal marsh in our area and was preserved due to some active and involved Torrance residents.

They have all kinds of great programs about natural life, mostly about native plants and flora and fauna, but, they have added more things in the past few years, including astronomical education.

I was surprised to see so many people there. There were people of all ages, many families with little ones, all waiting in line at the telescopes for a chance to to view the moon, Jupiter and Orion. I can honestly say in my 50 years, I have only looked through a telescope a handful of times. It reminded me that I really want to learn more, since the basic Astronomy class I took in college has not stuck with me and what I did know, I have since forgotten.

After we left the Marsh, we headed to my favorite coffee house in Redondo Beach; the Coffee Cartel and listened to some live jazz.

On our way home, we went by the beach and had the chance to see the moon over the ocean. I take so many photos of the sun setting over the ocean, but rarely get the chance to see the moon shining brightly and reflecting off the ocean like it was tonight. It was incredible to see it.

Moon over Redondo Beach

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Day 27: Being Stuck or Being Human

It has been nearly a month since I started this blog and I have only missed writing one day. Today, I have actually thought about not writing because I am having a hard time coming up with something positive or uplifting to share. Then I started to think about the purpose of this blog. It seems disingenuous to only share happy thoughts, or to ignore those days when I don't feel particularly happy.

I started to think that it might be more meaningful to share everything that I have learned in my 50 years of life. And, one of those things is that not every day is good, or, that even though it's not really bad, sometimes you just don't see or feel the good. That is just life, that is how we humans are. We have a wide range of feelings, and it is actually healthy and "normal" to feel and express them, all of them.

It's not that anything horrible happened or that it has been a bad day, it's just that I feel stuck and that I am not moving forward in the areas that I want to, or am not moving there quickly enough in spite of my efforts and work to get there. I am still not there yet and it annoys me. 

For me, this blog has become my journal, since I no longer have time to write in my journal with writing a book, working on other projects, and writing this blog.

But, it is not my journal, it is not private because I have chosen to share it, and because of that, there are some things that I cannot (well, will not) write here. So, I thought I would share some quotes (yeah, like that's a shock) that I have been using today to remind myself that (as Stuart Smalley would say) "it's okay!"

Day 26: This Used To Be My Playground

Okay, less than one month in and I have already used Madonna's music twice. Not sure what's up with that because I certainly wouldn't say I am her biggest fan. But, this song kept playing in my head as I went through the park and the play area this morning on my way home from taking my walk.

I not only live in the town that I was born in (okay, Mr. Literal, not exactly, I live about 2 cities over from the hospital I was born in), but, I live in the house next door to the one I spent my earliest years in. And, we live across from a park, the park that I spent many happy hours playing in when I was little.

So, as I was cooling down from my walk I decided to stroll through the park and snap some pictures. It's funny, even though I see it everyday, and have lived here as an adult a lot longer than I ever did as a kid, whenever I go to the play area, I remember how far away it seemed and how that tiny mound leading up to it seemed like a huge hill. I remember the hours we spent making art projects, playing caroms, and climbing on all of the equipment. It was a great way to grow up, when it really was a simpler time, and I will always be grateful for the happy memories it brings.

Part of the original equipment that the residents asked the City to keep, at least until it rots!

The submarine is also still there and dad still hates it because it still makes that major squeaking noise!

Day 25: Taking The Bitter With The Sweet

Today was one of those days where time seemed to be moving especially fast. Yet, when I look at my desk and my pile of work, I don't see any evidence of anything being accomplished, aside from more books and articles added to my research pile.

It isn't that I wasn't out and about early. I had a follow up appointment with my surgeon, who is still "watching" one of my lumps which is situated on a very delicate spot and which nobody wants to remove unless it is absolutely necessary. Fortunately, it is not necessary, it has not changed and he told me to come back in another six months.

But, again, I digress. The point of me bringing up the doctor appointment was that while there and waiting for him, I looked out over Torrance Airport and saw the field that was home to Tom Ishibashi's Farm for the past 50 years, and saw not the rich, dark soil, already planted with early spring strawberries that I usually see, but instead, just new weeds that had sprung up in their place.

So, me being me, this made me tear up. When the surgeon came in, he noticed, and was of course worried it had something to do with my medical condition (or at this point, maybe my mental one). Then, he saw what I was looking at, and since he knows what I do for a living (I had given him my first book) he said, "oh, that's right you told me they were gone, very sad."

Now this was a very cool thing for him to not only remember, but to talk about, and I was also very happy that my medical condition wasn't worthy of more discussion. But, as happy as I am about that, I am still so sad that we have lost our community's last farm and that I have lost a friend.

As I left his office and went down towards the parking lot, I remembered that this was the Skypark Medical Complex, which meant that there was a very pretty area in between the medical buildings and I thought it might be better for me to leave after walking through there, then while staring at the now vacant farm.

As I walked through the complex and stopped to take some photos, as a gardener and a horticultural therapist I thought that these man-made streams and ponds are pretty, and are a great thing to have for people who are dealing with the stress of medical issues. 

But, I also couldn't help but think that they don't tell the story of our community in the same way that our farms and farmers once did. And, while they can easily be replaced and rebuilt (which ironically they were doing to some of them), the same can't be said of our farming legacy.